Last week, my partner and I went to a butterfly conservatory. Sounds pleasant, doesn’t it? But as some of you already know, I’m usually terrified of butterflies because of my phobia of moths. (You can read about why I’m afraid of moths here.) Yet because I was honoring my recently-departed mother, I walked into this butterfly sanctuary with my head held high, determined to not be afraid. I first became phobic because of her abusive treatment of me, but she was mentally ill and always refused support, so she couldn’t really help it. Now she’s passed, all is truly forgiven.
The butterfly sanctuary was called Magic Wings. It’s the most beautiful place. Inside the glass-covered garden, butterflies from near and far soared through the sun-drenched air, some swooping, some fluttering, but none of them panicked. And their colors! From vivid blues to complex tortoiseshells, these beautiful creatures were everywhere, bringing their rainbow hues to every single visitor. Even my hubby (who isn’t moth phobic) was a little overwhelmed by the SHEER VOLUME of butterflies swooping around us. But as for me, I felt sublime. Because what I could now see was that my fear had originated from panicked moths and butterflies whenever they were trapped in a space. Yet these majestic insects were clearly so happy and free. I was almost amazed that I’d ever been afraid of those fluttering wings! There was such a sense of PEACE in that place. One butterfly—the vivid green one pictured here—even sat on my cane (which I use to help me get around). Right by my hand that gorgeous green butterfly basked with us happily, their vivid green wings turned to the sun.
In that butterfly, I felt Mum’s presence. It was a special moment.
In the photo, you’ll see the butterfly who also sat on the handle of my cane. I wanted to share the video we took of the butterflies soaring around the flowers and trees, but WordPress tells me I have to pay more money to do so! Rest assured, if I’d been able to share it, what you’d have seen was me being moved and amazed! I was feeling the joy I’d involuntarily shut myself away from for so many years due to my phobia. Now, Mum, I return to that butterfly-joy with love and appreciation of you. I wish your life had been easier and fairer. I’m saving up to buy you and Dad a plaque on a bench at Magic Wings. And every time I see a butterfly, I’ll know you’re nearby.
I’ve never done anything so big or challenging to honor the passing of a loved one. This was a huge right of passage for me, and it blessed my mum more than anything else could.
More soon, friends, and thanks so much for reading!
Romancey Pants 