Romancey Pants

Hi there. In this post we reintroduce Sir Mallard Jones, your “everyday aristocratic plush duck.” Yes, he has a rep for accidentally snaffling kippers, but does this bother him? Not one whit. That’s why yours truly interviewed him about his fierce commitment to what he calls “MEEE.” How can the rest of us learn to commit to our own MEEE with as much gusto? In this post, we attempt to find out:

Star Tavares: So, Mallard, what’s your secret?

Sir Mallard Jones: A quick dip in the pond each morning, followed by a thin layer of the finest pondweed moisturizer! Skincare has never been more freeing.

Star Tavares: Right. I actually meant your “self-love secret”?

Sir Mallard Jones: Ah! Well, for MEEE, your everyday aristocratic plush duck, I’d say self-love is a way of life. (Not a whey of life, because my system is anti-milk, you know.) Every morning, I rise like Hercules and head straight for the bathroom. I then stand upon the sink and, raising myself daintily upon my flipper-tips, look in the mirror, and tell MEEE, “You, my fine fellow, are a MAGNIFICENT mallard! If anyone says to thee that thou art NOT magnificent,” I continue, “thou shalt doff thy top hat cheerily and say, ‘Fear not! Just because you cannot see the MAGNIFICENCE that is MEEE does NOT mean I shan’t wish you a MALLARDACIOUS morning!’”

‘Tis a little like my favorite movie, Little Miss Sunshine. If you haven’t seen young Olive strut her stuff merrily at a pageant that REALLY doesn’t understand her, please do thyself a favor and watch this movie. I laughed so hard that my beak-holes filled with vanilla creme. (Admittedly, one was eating creme brulee at the time.)

Star Tavares: Sir Mallard, what would you say to someone who, like yours truly, has had trouble in the past with people telling them they AREN’T magnificent?

Sir Mallard Jones: My dear Star Tavares, I’d tell them very politely, “Sadly for THEE thou can’t see the truth of MEEE, which means it’s probably best if we don’t see each other anymore. I shall therefore be wearing this DELECTABLE eye mask whenever you are in the vicinity, and should you wish to say anything other than “hello,” I shall be firmly pointing my beak in the opposite direction to YOU. Have a MALLARDACIOUS day!”

Star Tavares: Super-ducking brilliant! And tell me, Sir Mallard, how do you carry on during challenging times?

Sir Mallard Jones: Resilience, Star Tavares, is different for every plush duck, human, or otherwise-shaped being. As for MOI, I once had a marvelous castle called Mallard Mansion, which I unfortunately lost due to a messy divorce from some very fine fellows and a bad case of woodworm. Did I grumble and huff in the duck-face of all this? YES, I most certainly DID! I grumbled and huffed so hard that my best frenemy, Duck T—a dear duck with an intriguing habit of sucking his flippers—actually BOUGHT ME A WHOLE BOX OF AFTER EIGHT MINTS just to encourage my NON-huffing.

So, as I ate said mints, here’s what I said to myself:

Know thee this, Sir Mallard Jones, my fine-feathered fellow! Now that you’ve huffed, enough is enough! After all, when has huffing EVER made a duck feel plucky? So, once I’d devoured those ultra-fine chocolate mints, I brushed myself off, invested in THREE new top hats, and bought myself a bouquet of the finest roses. Because when one feels BAD, one needs to put in the GOOD. You may not FEEL like putting in the good, but that’s all the more reason to do so. A bare cupboard rarely feels like filling itself, you know, but it always feels more cupboard-like with something nice in it—even if that’s an oddly-shaped cushion with a picture of a lemon on it.

Yes, the smallest ounce of self-love can put a new spring in your stately flippers. Then you can add another ounce. And then another.

A bare cupboard rarely feels like filling itself, you know, but it always feels more cupboard-like with something in it—even if that’s an oddly-shaped cushion with a picture of a lemon on it.

Sir Mallard Jones on self-love

And then, after all that, you can buy MEEE a nice box of After Eight mints! Or a copy of my favorite romance novel The Fake Dating Game by Timothy Janovsky, which shows a young gay fellow rather similar to MEEE who discovers the true importance of putting GOOD into his life during hard times rather than QUACKDUCKERY. (Quackduckery is a duck-shaped way of saying “hot air.” —Star)

Star Tavares: I ducking love the Fake Dating Game!

Sir Mallard Jones: How curiously perceptive you are, Star Tavares! Next question, my dear delectable nonbinary pumpkin?

Star Tavares: Sir Mallard, how do you feel about the concept of failure?

Sir Mallard Jones: Failure, my dear Star Tavares, is a silly word designed by badgers in the nineteenth century. Their goal? Well, these badgers thought that if something didn’t work the first time, you should just LIE THYSELF DOWN AND SAY HARSH THINGS TO THYSELF. When actually, a more MEEE way might be to say AHA and HOORAY for I did my best! And then, if you are able, you can always have another hearty go.

Star Tavares: It sounds like kind self-talk is a central part of your self-love practice, Mallard.

Sir Mallard Jones: Indeed it is! Even when I’ve just lost a whole castle or pickled herring!

Star Tavares: And just to cap off this self-love discussion, what was the last act of self-love you did for yourself, Mallard?

Sir Mallard Jones: Well, yours truly, queer duck of happiness, has grown rather feather-fond of The Christmas House movies, thanks to a dear friend called Chip who knows a good yarn when he sees one. So yesterday, after donning a new top hat and taking a “selfie” of MEEE on Duck’s *cellular phoney,” I settled down with a glass of pondweed champagne, and watched The Christmas House 2: Duck Those Halls. (It’s Actually The Christmas House 2: Deck Those Halls—Star.) And I can tell thee this, Star Tavares: Jonathan Bennett, who plays Brandon, may be one of the most talented actors one has ever beheld—he’s marvelous at comedy, devastation, complexity, wearing clothing … you name it, that lovely human does it. (Totally agree!—Star) Flippers up and a high two for that! (Sorry—Mallard did explain a “high two” to me, but I still have no idea what he meant—Star)

Star Tavares: Sir Mallard Jones, you are a legend in your own pond-time. Thank you!

Sir Mallard Jones: Why thank you, Star Tavares. Yes, thank goodness for MEEE!