Jake: [sounding a bit overtired] We watch a lot of Hallmark Channel, don’t we.
Sir Mallard Jones: Was that a question or…?
Jake: Just a comment, really.
SMJ: [admonishingly] Not the best way to start off a movie review, dear boy! “We watch this channel a lot. Here’s what we think about this production”!
Jake: Okay, then let me start again. I really, really liked A Novel Romance and not only because it was about a disillusioned romance novelist with writer’s block….
SMJ: [putting on his “psychoanalyst” bifocals] Did one feel seen by this? Did the writerly struggles of main hunk Liam Bradley, who ghostwrites under the name Gabriel August, reflect oneself?
Jake: [thinking and stalling] Um….
SMJ: Would you like some of my wasabi peas to awaken you? Don’t take all of them.
Jake: Nah. Thanks, though.
SMJ: [fluttering his flappers at Jake to move him out of the desk chair] Well then, if you don’t mind getting out of my way because I have a glowing movie review to write.
Jake: [surprised] Oh. Okay. Let me just grab my….
SMJ: Move, move! One is expected on the golf course in less than an hour, boy!
[Jake grabs his tea mug and stands behind Sir Mallard, who is now standing on the desk chair so that he can reach the laptop.]
SMJ: Now! Here goes!
[Jake clears his throat from morning grog.]
SMJ [turning to look at Jake before returning to see the screen]: Quiet now! I’m writing!
A Novel Romance, starring Hunk Master Dylan Bruce as Liam Bradley and the very lovely Amy Acker as his romantic interest Sophie Atkinson, is a picture-perfect romance with a touch of my favorite trope EVER—hidden identity! See, no one knows that mega-rich romance author and total trophy husband material Liam is actually Gabriel August. Liam has kept this, as we say in the States, “on the low” because he’s feeling a bit trapped by the romance genre and wants to expand into what he implies is more serious writing. Probably some literary crap that’ll just stay dusty on the shelves…but one digresses. Liam’s been pressured to “come out,” as it were, by his agent and publisher before the release of his next novel, but Liam “ain’t havin’ it.”
Then he meets Sophie. Beautiful, heart-on-her-sleeve Sophie! Upon our first encounter, she is working for a local newspaper as a book reviewer—and a good, honest one at that!—and is slowly recovering from a breakup with a famous American football player. So, one can see what’s instantly at risk for our smart, sweet, and resourceful Sophie. Should she dare replace the public exposure that comes with dating a famous football player with the public exposure of dating an equally if not more so famous author? The stakes are sky high for our Soph, but only the audience knows it at this point! THE DRAMA!
Long story short, the two meet on a plane ride. Instant attraction ensues. But dear Liam, the stupid boy, does not confess to Sophie that he is indeed Gabriel August. Instead, he tells her that he’s a business consultant…who just so happens to have a town car driver and a very, very nice home usually owned by the rich and famous. Sophie just thinks he’s a smashing success in his consulting career!
Liam is scheduled by his agent and publisher to reveal his true identity, but he keeps missing the moment because he hasn’t told the news to Sophie yet because the time “never seems right.” Although I appreciated this about him—that he recognized this late confession of being Gabriel August could put his blossoming relationship with Sophie at risk—I did want to kick him in the shins with my flippers at least twice because the OPPORTUNITIES WERE THERE, LIAM, BUT YOU DIDN’T TAKE ACTION!
Can everyone see the delicious route this fantastic film is on?
Jake: [from behind Sir Mallard] I sure can.
SMJ: [eyes squeezed shut, his feathered shoulders rising with frustration] I’m still writing, boy!
Jake: Sorry, sorry.
SMJ: Well, since Mr. Jacob “Interrupts A Lot” has gotten on one’s last nerve, and since one needs to save that nerve in order to beat Swan Juan and Christopher Coot on the greens today, let’s focus in on the clearly obvious conclusion.
A Novel Romance is yet another Hallmark Channel film that simply should not be missed. The characters are engaging, the story line compelling, the not-too-sharp twists and turns absolutely dizzying with delight. I intend on telling this to Juan and Topher today while I absolutely destroy them with my pro-level golfing skills. Haha! They’re likely to never invite me to play again! Fair enough, you spoil sports!
[looking back at Jake, flappers on his duck waist] Well, I think that should do it, sleepy face! Let’s publish!
Jake: How many flippers up would you give A Novel Romance?
SMJ: [with a jaunty gesture] FIVE FLIPPERS!
Jake: And your Diversity Duck rating?
SMJ: [scowling as he thinks, now popping wasabi pea after wasabi pea into his beak] Hm, yes. That wasn’t very good at all, if a duck is honest. One Diversity Duck. Or maybe one-half a Diversity Duck. Whatever Star can do with their design magic. They are magical, aren’t they, dear boy!
Jake: They are.
SMJ: Now, out of my way! I’ve got these peas to eat before I head out, and I think I need to get someone to iron my knickerbockers. Do you have an iron, dearest Jacob?
[Jake stands as still as a statue]
SMJ: [poking Jake with his flapper] Let’s not be a Fib Meister now! Tell Sir Mallard the truth!
Jake: [resigned] Just leave your knickerbockers on one of the kitchen chairs. I’ll get to that ASAP.
SMJ: [angrily] I don’t want sap on them, Jacob! I want them ironed! It’s the least you can do since I pretty much wrote this whole lovely review of this lovely Hallmark Channel film for your groggy, impertinent self!
Jake: I’ll go grab the iron.
SMJ: My golf clubs could use a quick polish, too!
[turning to speak directly to the Romancey Pants reader] Don’t forget to add A Novel Romance to your watchlist, dearest Romancey Pantsters! Sir Mallard Jones swears on his….
Jake: Stop talking directly to the readers, Sir Mallard.
SMJ: [hopping off the chair, flappers abreast, an angry bend in his beak] Why you…! Don’t forget that knickerbockers need starch! And lots of it!
Watch A Novel Romance now at any of these streaming services:
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