Friends, this story isn’t just for LGBTQIA+ folks and our allies. It’s for anyone who feels different in this strange mess of a world and needs a comforting-yet-political quacker-laugh:
The Rainbow Duck didn’t understand why the Pond would banish rainbow ducks. Bewildered, they sat on the bank and stared down at their flippers, which, granted, weren’t rainbow-colored like their feathers but were nonetheless vital to being a rainbow duck. “I just don’t understand,” the Rainbow Duck told the white duck and the tawny duck. “Why can’t rainbow ducks be out and proud?”
“Well,” said the white duck with the long orange bill and a disturbing look in her peering brown eyes. “When rainbow ducks are proud, it makes the snooty ducks with their down-turned beaks very, very afraid.”
“Exactly,” said the tawny duck in the top hat, “because snooty ducks don’t like rainbows. They think they bring on storms. It’s a weather-related thing. Or something. I’m pretty sure I read that in Snooty Ducks Today.”
The Rainbow Duck raised an eyebrow. “Snooty Ducks Today? That’s not even a national publication. Besides, your argument is quackers. I mean, show me the ducking science.”
“Well,” said the tawny duck whose top hat was sliding over his left eye, “allow me to ducksplain. Many of the snootier duck-parents think that if we don’t ban rainbow ducks their ducklings will become rainbow ducks, when what they really want for their young is to STIFLE OUT their rainbows.”
“You can’t stifle out RAINBOWS!” said the Rainbow duck, a chuckle playing at the corner of their beak.
“If I may,” said the white duck, whose peering brown eyes had darkened. “Rainbows are a sign of HOPE. And we can’t give ducks who feel different too much hope, or they’ll get too powerful. And what the DUCK would happen then?”
“Quite,” said the tawny duck, sucking on their duck teeth. “This obsession with rainbows is more dangerous than a duck roast.”
At this point, the Rainbow Duck was trying very hard to keep a serious face. But the truth was their beak was twitching upwards, and a big quacker-giggle was building in their belly. “Duck me backwards with a quacker-scoop!” they quacked, covering their beak-holes, which always got rather tickly when they were holding in a laugh. “They’re banning Rainbow ducks because they’re … SCARED of us? I mean, we’re literally all hope, delight, and pondweed-flavored frosting!” But before anyone could answer, the Rainbow Duck dissolved into a quacker-snorting laughter-puddle, paddling their flippers about in mid-air and clutching their feathered belly as they honked with delight.
The tawny duck raised their snooty beak and said, “Why in the name of FROG do you find this so amusing?”
“Because,” quacker-snorted the Rainbow Duck, “banning rainbow ducks only makes we Rainbow ducks more POWERFUL! It’s like calling someone a Boogeyduck. When you do, you give them more power than a goldfish shake laced with Bailey’s, and those things are STRONG.”
“Nonsense!” quacker-cried the white duck. “I drank two goldfish shakes last night and I was only a wee bit squiffy.”
“But did you add the Bailey’s?” said the Rainbow Duck. “Because that’s the doozy.”
“Anyway,” said the tawny duck who sounded a tadge frustrated, “what you say about boogeymen is pond-slop! Silencing is an excellent way to keep joyful ducks down.”
But the Rainbow Duck was still laughing. “Haven’t you read your psychodynamic theory? The more you try to push a rainbow down, the more energy it gets. Suddenly, ALL the water will seem to be rainbow-colored, and the silly, nonsensical, snooty ducks will start quacker-screaming, ‘Why are there rainbows EVERYWHERE? Even my morning frog on toast is rainbow-colored! I thought rainbow ducks were less than 10% of the population, yet now, I can’t do a pond-lap without someone shaking a rainbow flag at me.’
The rainbows will literally TAKE OVER THEIR LIFE, while the rainbow ducks and all our friends will be BETTER FRIENDS THAN EVER because when we’re squashed together, we become a GIANT RAINBOW OF JOY. And pretty soon, those nonsensical snooty ducks will be asking, ‘Why did I create a RAINBOW MONSTER ARMY PLUS THEIR ALLIES who are all quacking with so much JOY that I can’t even hear the low quacker-drone of my somewhat boring news channels? Make it stop,’ they’ll quacker-cry, ‘because if you don’t, I’ll have to look at the rainbows IN MYSELF, and then my WHOLE WORLD will fall!’”
“See?” said the white duck. “We’re RIGHT to fear rainbows!”
But the Rainbow Duck was laughing and rolling around, their quacker-giggles filling the air, and even though the other ducks tried to make them stop, the Rainbow Duck couldn’t even hear.
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Romancey Pants 